Before the Brush

389: but why (or No More God)

but why must we persevere why do we say we're put here for a reason that persisting is a necessity like breath like food and if we give it up no longer drive forward we are somehow not doing our work of believing or holding faith or keeping hope alive bullshit I say....

388: Used for Good

I notice patterns rejections in history the 'you can't's 'you won't's 'you need me to live's are torches held to my will fuel to my soul fire would these maybe have kept their mouths shut if they'd know what was meant for ill.... scarred; but scars toughen making what...

387: I’m open to other avenues

every idea and conceptualization entertained do not think me closed or unreceptive I can be no more open than I am now torn asunder splayed heart rendered on muddied earth flailing all this loss and debris I should clean this up

386: to create

it doesn't stop or start or only lie on the beauty swept across the blank canvas the hemline remains where the caught lose thread unraveled so I start there at the bottom to create beauty comes from the other there alongside communed holding hands across space a blank...

385: you save two people, your viewer and yourself

I recall the twisted steel spine the most the tin spaceship-like body the knob at the top not as much energy pumped along this spine hold the knob and push more pump more spin when it was good let go it twisted and spiraled created a blur of color until its inevitable...

384: two lines said it all

so why did I not leave it at that eloquently perched for all eyes to fall upon words skipping one after the other full of rich reward for the heart I did not resist the urge to have my say does this make me selfish a narcissist some would think so but aren't we all...

383: hung there

in the window by the cords I myself twisted into a sturdy hammock speckled nothing quite like it it caught my eye and made me pause at a moment in which pausing was chaos grateful vitiligo in a plant so beautiful human's eyes can learn to see...

382: the pain

the mournful draw of the bow across the strings did I choose it or did it choose me this morning of mourning why do we fathers and mothers parents become when the ache as they move on is more than one should bear this is life

381: haiku

click and search again the house will appear when it appears he and I hold tight

380: this tearing

early life was together forever what has become our modern age that is as we call it better living without so that they can live well foolishness loss of life

379: forbearance

What lasting impact ever withstood a rush modern world minds stop after a line believing something better awaits so they move on when taking the next step demands staying in one place the tension builds too much for these humans of today make your way through the...

378: immerse yourself and see what your skin drinks in

discover firsthand the depth of understanding possessed in the pores give over for a moment the minds proclivity to rightness I mean what if the mysteries and mystics are right we don't have to don a cape and talk in tongues to believe in a richer life a more...

377: cede to the limits of medicine

let life return to its natural course death as well medicine is a gift until it becomes a tool with which we wield hope over the natural world like a magic wand or a divining stick or something like the king's sepulture touching down on each shoulder giving us eternal...

376: he spoke with a slur

which may pass as normal were he not my dad the years showing in his face his hairline his midline sure but I was not prepared for them to execute this ambush an assault for which no one comes prepared where are the self-help journals for watching ones predecessors...

376: seeing without squinting

but I find it helps my heart my psyche my long history with these bodies my ability to stand straight to even take a step forward it helps to not squint but to look sideways shield oneself from the growing of others old

375: feel like a corpse

dead in this space air here stagnant brittle riddled with I call it anxiety she calls it tragedy worry fear it has settled into the corners under the curtains like dead flies forgotten unseen by aged eyes the housekeepers letting them lie knowing their patrons will...

374: All life has not been stamped out

of my heart she leans against the sink a chair each wall the floor I wonder if this is an example of my future or if there are other ways to follow one's family to the grave

373: energetic pain

it's nearly the same a constriction in the chest an ache in the sternum but there's no physical evidence only energetic she cries little tears more of a chuckle and a whimper combined I feel myself resist it see without letting myself see feel without letting myself...

372: I feel no worthiness

I offer another the idea that worthiness is not the point love is or at least connection we are never and always worthiness the word itself picks at indoctrination or dogma for which only man's hand held the brush no god creates with absolute as man paints limited he...

371: the silence we listen to

we often can't hear it or simply don't want to so tune into a louder song at the core when the noise falls away when there is nothing left to turn the dial to in order to shut out this truth? the silence I hear holds the richest melody a shock to my ears so familiar...

370: simplicity is the depth of me

it comes in layers not everyone can see the complexity of debris collected intentionally not always by me but placed there by another's hand each addition becoming more complex yet as it grows forms a simplicity my soul has meant to become yearned for at each...

369: the soul and luminous clarity sit together

the pain cut deep I'd done it again hurt one of the few closest to me forever people just by speaking incorrectly we come out on the other side holding hands richer for the walk together not broken left along the side of the road yet the inbetween that came before we...

368: I need things out from under me

Why I am an artist Declaration I do not want to sit with things from my head or heart or gut as they arise they are rarely pretty at this stage unrecognizable to this present time they take a toll dismembering their truth mis-securing preservation I need these things...

367: things to say on truth and silence

or simplicity somehow they become one silence is simplicity simplicity is silence in this world of radical and uprising marches and anger I must refuse all declarations in all honesty I will never actually know therefore no right of words to say earnestly as if...

366: my own stepping-stone

these painful lessons in hindsight so obvious yet I had to tread the path I did to see behind yet again I suspect much to my dismay that I will do it again always face this same demon of self not for lack of trying to better myself or improve on past mistake and hurts...

365: to be what I already am

we try so hard I try so hard to be a better version of a past mistake a painful misunderstanding sent well received wrongly slighted it is at times like this that with the walnut of ache in my chest all I want to be is what I already am I must stop trying to surpass...

364: telling

I try to tell my story to put form to experience that is sensation without words we get 26 letters infinite possibilities yet still shape alludes me and I try again

363: god wont pull your ripcord

I've written on my whiteboard visioneer. let things come to me. do the work. it takes all three to do life well first to dream let ideas take ahold of your heart squeeze it into joy hope possibility then breathe. some time must pass between passion and action for the...

362: the biggest work

is to trust self there is the rub society of social media causing more uncertainty of self than maybe monarchies of old controlling with an iron fist the thinking of their populous this is not natural abhorrent off track there is a long route to return to human being...

361: just like Emerson

The diety is me there is no external force played upon life as much as the internal integrated born to this form carrying the god within this is why it is so important to know thyself no trust thyself is more apropos keep journaling as if a god beside it helps...