I almost wrote ‘at least’. But alas, I don’t feel that way. I welcomed the teariness because the sensation had me securely tied to the wonder. I realize that is unsustainable so I let them go just fine, but I do long for the wonder to linger.
I’ve just awoken from a nap. What I refer to as ‘dream naps’. I woke at 1am again, attended Vigil, wrote in my journal, did some reading, then shut my eyes at 4:30.
Waking now at 5:15 I do so to the final dream-thought that woke me: ‘Watch over my sheep’.
Wah……?
I am not surprised that what comes to me is couched in biblical words and religiosity; I am after all, at a Catholic monastery.
What I am surprised by is what verses and religious imagery is coming. Straight up religious practices have been extracted from my system; or so I thought. While I read the bible and ingest words and thinking from old master, ergo Thomas Merton and this abbey, I filter them now, through my own system of sensation, reaction, intellectual wisdom-ing, and contemplative talking with myself/God/that thing deep inside….
‘Watch over my sheep…’
I can’t help but ask: ‘Who are your sheep? Or who are the sheep I am looking after?’
As I try to see into this I feel my ego rise; potential self-aggrandizement rampant.
My mind responds: artists, encaustic artists, compound people, your children.
But really?
If I hold true, really true, to what I believe, then these people, these sheep, have the capacity to watch over themselves, thank you very much. The me to them is partner in crime, walk-alongside in whatever aspect of life we are joined through.
But then maybe that was not the point of the dream-nap words…
So I explore more and wonder into ‘What does it mean to watch over?’
If it is to hold court and keep all eyes and ears on the individuals imparted to me, making sure nary a one strays from the course, whatever that course is, then sure I would be in some position to be setting down rules and imparting trades and practices as if I alone had the answers and they were to follow. But this rigidity and self effacement is what has the church in so much trouble. No one is imparted with the depth of wisdom nor degree of authenticity to align in such a way that they have the answers. Again, we each possess the answers, we can only stand alongside one another to hold hands as we each find our way in the fog.
So watch over, as I see it from this alert-call in my dream-nap, is to look up.
A looking ahead, a seeing into the horizon, a vision-casting to the skies and keep alert to what is there, and maybe even, what is to come.
This only makes sense if I see myself, the wisdom of words I have chewed on for over a decade in spirituality, and over two decades in art, and weave them into a skyline that others can be illuminated by.
To watch over in this way is to be attentive to the quality of my heart, so that my mind forms from it, not the other way around, and when I get to be seen in my world, I am seen as a lighthouse, providing a visual cue to travel safely to the shore which those who see me are trying to reach.
The more we each begin to see this, then to feel it, then to live it, the more the world breaks free from the fear mongering wolves that come in the night to steal the sheep and the more we are able to keep watch over and illuminate the darkness, so that no sheep, nor ship, is lost on its way.