I go on for days thinking I am alone all alone not alone comfortable
I have done something said something reacted in some way
That has pushed you away alone.
I fear this is the last turning, that the energy will never return and I’ve played my final card.
As if a game were being played, not a life being lived.
Just one day, one instant, awakening.
You there, always, again.
Beauty.
Always.
Again.
Me.
I can get drunk on the wonder of one more day. Just being. Me.
I feel this too. Some days it feels as if I will never see any of the people I used to. I resigned my membership to the gym where I had made friends there. Just doesn’t feel smart to be in that group situation again. I can always rejoin if and when…
I have gotten comfortable listening to my spiritual connections via Facebook live, in the comfort of my own home, dressed or not, coffee in had. I can push pause if I need to, get up, move around, jot down notes, and hit resume when I am ready to return. It has gotten comfortable, strangely. Did I evolve PAST the need to be around people? Or is it some mechanism that I have activated once again…some self-preservation, hiding, isolating, hiding sort of mechanism? It is hard to discern when you are operating from a self-protection mode. It feels fear-based, not trusting the “what if’s”. Even my art continues here at home, alone, no critiques, no socializing, ordering what I need to work with on-line. I actually like that part. As much as I enjoy the people I meet, I always feel intimidated In groups. It feels like the beginning to an end. Or will there be another iteration ?
This is a time of perseverance. To hold fast to what we can hold in our hands and hold faith. It is going to be a long run to recovered/reparation/redemption/revivification, but we are going there. <3