The situation I am in now has been given me to change me, if I will only surrender completely to reality as it is given, no longer seeking ways to evade it, even by interior reservations.

Merton

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My mom has dementia.

My mom is in dementia.

Dementia has my mom.

demented

[dəˈmen(t)əd]

ADJECTIVE

ORIGIN

mid 17th century: from Old French dementer or late Latin dementare, from demens ‘out of one’s mind’

I am familiar with dementia from an outsider’s point of view.

My husband worked in a facility.

I have known of a few who lived this in their final days.

But now it is real.

The house next door to the EncaustiCastle has been occupied by a young couple for the past three years. They have become dear to me; she, like a daughter.

They are moving out.

What does one do; the world-turning over. 

I asked for this.

I sought ‘next’.

I thought it not coming;

my ‘nexts’ all run out.

What does one do; the world-request delivered; shaken.

‘….a bereavement reaction to the leaving of familiar environments.’

Joan Didion

I asked for this.

I know better than to be surprised by this befallen.

My soul knows this opportunity.

Ambiguity

Uncertainty

my mind, eyes;

filling with tears.

There are so many stories within stories behind my mother’s life, and the life she gave me, the way I was raised, who I have become

because of,

in spite of,

the person she is.

There are stories within stories about this ‘like a daughter’

part of my heart; without my intending

recipient of my encouragements,

advocate for my steadfast emboldening.

---

‘When man does not have firm, calm lines on the horizon of his life-mountain and forest lines, as it were-then man’s most inner will becomes agitated, preoccupied and wistful.’

Joan Didion

---

What does one do; hope, proclaimed foundation; trust, cornerstone; heartache uncertainty, delivered.

Dislocation; the knot in the game tug-of-war.

Reality; life delivering. 

Tugged. Yet expectant.

Heartache. Yet hopeful.

Terrified. Yet trusting.

What to do-evidential finality.

What to do-vacant square feet.

How to move; forward.

How to release; behind.

I asked for this

Forward; undeniably, unmistakably, divinely assigned.

I didn’t know; losing.

I didn’t know!

Trust; this trust.

I asked for this.

My answer.

My world; transforming

Again. Again. Again. Again.

Am I built for this.

The promised land always lies on the other side of a wilderness.

Havelock Ellis

I asked for this.

I prayer for this.

I plead for this.

How do I live this answer

in love.

trish