The longings of my heart-while faint under the loss and cacophony of recovery at the onset-have gained strength and courage over the past three months of convicted ‘aloneness’. They intrude on my early morning reading with quick jabs of neediness hitting just below the solar plexus. Coffee with a friend is invaded by a squeezing of my heart that aches more deeply than any love has touched. Working in the afternoon sun lite studio can find me immobilized in a pang for a gentle impassioned kiss. I had no idea it would feel like this. That not seeking-that allowing God to bring into my life what He has planned for me-that devoting my year to pursuing other paths than that of a romantic relationship, would leave me open to such inexplicable ache. Somehow I am finding satisfaction, and believe it or not-joy, in it though; In the waiting of this time. Squaring oneself with oneself is ennobling and a gracious gift bestowed-
God knows what I need in a partner; He’s got my perfect mate picked out as I write this :)! When I am ready, when he is ready, God will put us together. But it can not be denied that the lack of it in this doing-other-things-time is surprisingly painful. Don’t get me wrong-I didn’t expect it to be easy-I knew I’d have to work at not wanting to throw an extra smile to the guy in the Starbuck’s line or catch the eye of the blond in the dairy aisle. But I didn’t think I would battle the intensity of internal deep longing for a companion and mate in nearly all I was doing. I thought my independent spirit and full, rich schedule of teaching and connecting would fill my inner cup to overflowing.
Yet at this 3month-in point of my one year commitment to pursuing Christ’s call to me alone, I find difficulty in ways I couldn’t have foreseen. And yet in this I should’ve seen it coming. God does not ask more of us than He equips us to handle….so test my strength, I am!
My commitment stands strong…if not on weakened knees and flailing heart. I will face these longings and aches stoically with God’s grace at hand and look forward to the gift they are calling out-a God given companion as He would prescribe. Seeking through prayer, believing with faith and remaining steadfast by trust. Can’t wait to see what I am writing next year at this time! in love. trish.