Genetically inclined on my father’s side-
my mother’s as well, in its own truth.
Not that either would call it such~
It masquerades today as an accusation, one of over-thinking~
Throughout my growing year it was properly trained, this contemplative nature, to be tucked away. The internal dialog-instinct-of wonder, exploration and questioning was packed away and locked down by the good intentions of staying present in the doing, the next, the eduction, the career path, the ‘success’ of living a life.
So it becomes about staying busy; this properly trained performance.
It is all bubbling up; can you feel it? I know it is not just in me. Smoldering and brewing in the caldron of a desperate being. I find myself in a fight, occurring more frequently-to stay balanced, to remain normal, to appear as if doing the right and proper-my ‘assumed’ thing. Sometimes it feels as if the whole world is on stage in this trained performance as well-
To remain status quo to the training we’ve been brought up in.
It is dis-ease.
It’s taking the wind out of me, the vital energy consumed to fight the natural inclination is debilitating….making it nearly impossible to still function within the normal anymore, let alone even maintain this normal I’d come to thus far.
I can’t speak for the world, only myself, but
I need to give in.
Yet this is something I haven’t been trained in: To give into the natural, inherent, born inclination that is unique to me, is a mystery, because it is quite possibly the absence of all that is now.
And that is
Is there a point though, in life, at an age, or a cross-roads, or a reckoning point where one must just
give in….give up….let the flow of energy that bubbles up go ahead and spill over, not caring where it hits the floor or if it creates one God-awful mess.
That term; God-awful.
If it is, the mess I make by bubbling over, God-awful, then wouldn’t it be wonderful, after all? For in truth everything from God-universe-reality-love-creation-nature-being-oneness-isn’t everything from this source right, good, perfect, and well-formed?
So therefore if it bubbles over, wont the mess be a luminous pool of wonder, awe and goodness?
And maybe, would I discover, it has already begun, and if I can manage to pop the lock, and switch contents for just a little while even-letting it out, and packing normal in-that I might get a glimpse of this already begun, and see that it is not all that can be feared in an unknown, because it is already known….?
could we all….