50. It’s coming fast.
Some days its bothersome-in the way this modern culture has taught it to be-
Most days it just is, though.
when I let it be, and let me be in it, it is a tool
this turning, this next.
It is a point for contemplation and consideration.
For deep exploration and rebirth; if I let it be.
And I will.
I’ve been thinking back on my divorce-
on my two years in Australia-
These two major events marked the road through my previous decade and made me much of who I am.
The divorce; turning me into an entirely different, altogether deeper, finer, richer and more real person than I even knew was in me.
The capacity that the divorce forced-
to change, to grow, to shed a skin I thought was a true and real me-stuns me still.
I had no idea this me was in me all along.
It takes a great squeezing, a forcing in and through, sometimes against ones very will, to come out the other side and see the light~
This happens in big-life ways like divorce, and in everyday life ways…
Australia I look back to with similar awe,
but a furthering-on of, rather than an all new becoming.
In Australia I was again wearing a skin. It was where I put on a coat of who I was, and had become in the world and wore it protectively throughout the two years journey. Australia was where I stumbled and struck out my way to keep this skin whole and fresh.
This skin-coat kept me warm, safe, cocooned.
I didn’t have to be or do anything other than wear it, this coat of encaustic artist, author, international instructor, everyday. And if I did this, just this, I was fulfilling my life purpose
to that point.
Cocooned in this comfortable skin.
Cocoon; a place of transformation, but also a place of hiding.
I was cocooned in this skin-coat of my storied self and wore this for two years.
Like so many others before me and alongside me, I was settling for where I’d been, and carrying it into where I was trying to go. It no longer was my cocoon but my cell…
This skin-coat was meant to be worn when needed; not for a long duration over many miles and changes~
Fast forward two years. Now.
Stepping back from the insecurities, the doubts, the fears, the wearying, the carrying of the past decade
and simply (forced to be) doing what life brings my way;
through John not getting employment as swiftly as we’d hoped upon return-
through buying an ancient house and turning it into a blessed home-
through arriving here and needing things that most people in adulthood already would have: furniture, vehicle, warm clothing-
through ‘taking a year off’ and finding that a year off was a harder endurance race than anything I’d ever run before-
I faced my self in that ‘off’, and wasn’t sure I could stand it~
The skin was starting to flake and fall away
and the person underneath frightened me.
I didn’t know who she was.
If not encaustic artist, then who?
If not author, then what?
If not international instructor, then why?…
Where was the difference I would get to make in the world…?
Being forced did several things:
It made my consciousness shut up and do what had to be done to survive.
It allowed my subconsciousness get a word in edgewise, finally.
It forced me to put my hand, thanks to necessity of survival, to new things and ways I wouldn’t have otherwise naturally picked up
and I discovered I liked it.
and was very good at it.
And I started to hear that subconscious voice telling me things I needed to hear….
and began wondering if I was hearing real things….
and decided to trust them, and see what would come.
And here I am, at 50, two years removed from the stripping down of this skin I’d been coated in so seemingly comfortably for the previous decade, looking into where I am, and where I get to go.
I am an encaustic artist, author and international instructor.
Not because I call myself this.
Not because I use it as my short, succinct bio, but
because the world holds a place for me in this capacity, and when I step into it-the next place that opens before me-
with confidence, trust and persistence,
it is my world I am living.
And it is a skin I fit.
And it goes much deeper, much thicker, than the one I put on and wore.
Same coat if you look at me.
Entirely different design and quality of craftsmanship~
It is my difference.
This is why I am