riding my bike across town busily gently keeping myself moving so that the things moving through me would find space to travel I listened to the words in my ears through the buds to the beat of my heart in response to the knot in my belly untwist and unwind I listened and it came in an instant what if it were like that perhaps not the anger but the anger of course but that behind the anger or after the anger or on the tails of the anger as it dies out a natural tired death because anger after all is nothing more than an emotion worked out to tell me something necessary what if it where like that perhaps really really really this loss this turning down this something I though would be a grand something the something I thought was the answer to the year of searching staying open to something what if in its turning down because I was going to have to turn it down take the loss accept that it was a nothing not a something what if the turning down were the something what if the turning down opened a locked door deep in my soul I didn’t know existed and let out an immense stream of unbridled courage and strength trust and humble gratitude that was the something that is the something that is just what my one life needs to survive

there is no more anger there is only humbling grace