I asked a friend recently a friend in my head mind you not a friend sitting across from me in the bar holding her beer glass as I was using the index finger to wipe away sweat drops from the condensation of cold drink in warm air from the swelled glass form if she intended to find a partner again in this life for the sake of anonymity let’s call her Lisa I have a friend Lisa mind you but the last time we saw each other was in 1988 at my first and only God thank you engagement party and she and I only see each other anymore over the lines of social media likes and comments so this Lisa in my head doesn’t respond of course before I can go off to explain my line of questioning that my own decision to commit to a next long-term relationship has me these regularly tossed in confusion moments lies around the strength it gives me like never before to trust my own instincts and go for the what ifs I project into the world this is the blessing I want to portrait and try to tell her about as if the confusion held no depth and yet it nags at me more often than not lately calling me names and teasing me with thoughts that I yet again blew my cover at life as a real person and when I am most befuddled it taunts me to question the very trust it seems to have enabled me to embrace and then the truth raises its ugly head thanks to 50 years on the planet I can see the truth not like when I was 20 or even 40 living in illusions that certainly helped me move forward in their own right and luck but were mirror and fog tricks none the less maybe we all need them at these ages and life transitions in order to survive but at 50 when the end of life even if you call it 106 and truly believe it will be that long in health and wellness is standing as your resume can no longer fool you I am to blame it has nothing to do with this life partner or the ability of them to spur me on or hold me back it is no ball and chain or eagles wings they provide they only serve as a silver platter or jail-mans guard to my own mind I am the one holding the key to the execution or liberation no matter the circumstance this partner bearing arms of trust and faith or questions and doubts simply serves as the servant of my own mind and I fall prey whether I blame or accept partnership regardless for my own thoughts straying from my own truth this is the real conversation I start with the Lisa in my head as I sip a White Russian and say goodnight to the sky only I see at this very moment from this very spot and thank God that I get to yet again on another get to day of many get tos I have gotten to get
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