I took my boys back to the airport this morning so they could return ‘home’. Feeling so desperately hollow as I watch them snake through the security check line to the conveyored xray machines. Their red heads towering above most the rest as they slowly proceed through the switch backs. I’ve watched this coming and going for over three years now and the pain of their departure, even in all its changed forms, has not grown easier. The tears welled undeniably as I tried to hide behind a smile.
They didn’t appreciate me so much over this visit. We didn’t connect or communicate with any depth or true heart this week. It felt as if they were filling obligatory time-doing the ‘have to’ in this routine of mom-and-dad-got-divorced. This is what it feels like to be a ‘have to’….
I watched them put their shoes back on and sling their bags onto their backs realizing that it was no longer about anything I could do. Who they are and who they are becoming will not be determined by my presence in their lives. They grow up, they see their own path, their own choices before them and they see mine-judging and determining-fairly or not-for their own.
It can hurt so inexplicably to love so much. Sometimes I think ‘if I’d only known….’ in love. trish.
Oh my gosh! My heart is absolutely breaking for you. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. Through your blog I have felt the depth of your love for your boys. I am so sorry for your pain and for this difficult situation.
so sorry… please don’t add to your suffering with the ‘what ifs’…
and here’s a thought. my sons are teenagers and OFTEN treat me as though I were invisible or unworthy of basic grunts of communication — it IS possible, isn’t it, that they’d be acting this way even without the shuttling between Mom and Dad?
I am so sorry. 🙁
I just had to comment on this one…….NO, do not do the blame thingy as I have done sooooo often…I have been married to the same man for 30 years, (waited 8 to have kids, lol) and I am treated the same way…So, no, it doesn’t matter about the divorce situation, it’s the age, trust me…My daughter & I are finally @ the age of 25 becoming friends and who knows about our son!! Right now I am a “have to” also, it’s getting a teensy bit better, but oh my, I see it coming out in the strangest ways but my son has been this way since middle schoola and I have friends that it started in grade school, sooooo. You will be fine and one day, they will apprecite us, all of us, lol……Hang in there!!!! Smiles & Blessings, Kay ♥
I would just die if you came to OH to teach and you did, omg, I MISSSED IT…Will you be back next year??????? Please, please…..Totally Awesome